I am back home and decompressing.
I hope everyone has a good trip home. I definitely had a flight that was disgusting. First time I thought I would need one of those little bags they put in the pocket that holds airlines magazines. It's a good thing the thought of needing and not really needing because the little bag wasn't there. I did warn the person next to me if she saw me bend over she should run for her life if she didn’t want to know literally what I had for breakfast.
The plane was dropping and rising dramatically for about an hour. It was a reminder of a Disney Land ride. At one point it dropped so fast if it wasn't for my seat belt my body would have been squashed and spread across the ceiling of the plane. But since I did have my seat belt on there was only a moment of air time between my backside and the seat. All that jostling did bring my attention to my bladder. Which was telling me it decided it could use some relief. I spend about 30 minutes contemplating if I could hang in there till the plane landed. Then I doubted if I could wait that long. The pilot announced that there was no runway available for landing and we would be circling the airport for about 10 - 15 minutes. Then I started wondering, well maybe if I grab three blankets from the overhead bin and sit on them and put the fourth blanket across my lap and very slowly, carefully from under the blanket I slipped down my jeans. The all of a sudden the plane settled into an even smooth ride. I turned to the women sitting next to me and asked, "When do you think the plane will land?" She turned and looked at me with a drained white face, thin lips that looked like a slash across her face and answered, "I have no idea." I made my mind up that I am heading for relief - the lavatory. The reason I had not headed sooner, there where constant announcements we where not to leave our seats. The white faced, thin lipped women got up to let me pass and I headed from the back of the plane forward to luxurious relief.
I'm twelve inches from the lavatory handle when the cutest little airline stewardess (do we still call them that) steps in front of me and says, “You have to return to your seat.” I understand she has a job, but it was the tone of her authoritative announcement to me as if I was five years old that I heard. The moment of calm before the storm of emotion I said to her calmly and steadily, “You have two choices, I will not make to the airport, I will either drop my pants and pee on your aisle floor or you get out of my way.” She looked back at me, I looked back at her and my eyes became to slits, my jaw became rock hard and my hands started for my belt buckle. She said, “It’s at your own risk.” and proceeded to opened the lavatory door at the same time. Inside my head I said Fuck You, what came out of my mouth was, “You're an idiot.”
I think about two quarts are a good estimate and I considered staying there until landing. It seemed fairly safe, it’s small and if the plane crashed I wouldn’t be thrown to far since the walls where touching my shoulders and my forehead was almost up against the door. As I was contemplating all the scenarios in my head, I placed both hands up against the door to brace myself just in case.
The plane was traveling smoothly so I did return to my seat just in the nick of time to have it drop straight down but I felt great. Behind me where some very interesting groans and sounds which I decided not to turn around investigate. The plane did land safely and I made my connecting flight with very dry jeans.
Cheers
Suzin
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